Tuesday, July 28, 2009
ok im suppose to blog for my sweet sweet happy 4th years anniversary...
but happiness only last one day for mi ...
but i am not happy today not happy now..
i really cant face this house now..
but where can i go...?
i wanted to get out but there is no where else for me..
i cant go your house i cant go anywhere...
even if i get out does that make any different?
does that change anything?
sometimes i don know what s the reason
that i am still kind of scared of ** mother..
whats the reason that im still saying in this house that don need mi at all..
no one cares about mi
no ones feels for mi
no ones listen to wad i say
no ones bother to know anything about mi..
maybe the powerful word "money"
is the only reason...
i feel so lonely so sad..
sometimes i cant even breath properly...
i cry in the middle of the night..
i love them so much but why?
why don they love me too?
so many years passed...even thought i know its
impossible but i still hope that someday they will realise
what i am going through and love me just a little bit more..
but i just get so dissapointed....
you know its so funny..
don know since when ..think in primary school..
i have been coming up with lies ..things that never happen
just because i wanted to talk and chat with them so badly...
so i come up with all lies ...all sort of topics that i can think of..
just for the few mins of talking...
but is don last long...
soon i get replies like "if you have nothing else to talk then don talk"
or
"i don wan to listen to all your stupid things...go go go don bother me"
or something sweet and short
"i don have time" ....(then walk away)
...soon i have the habit of talking to myself...
its so sad..even thought i know that all this
had already turn facts..
but i always cry when i think of them..
why cant they just treat me like a real daughter..a real sister
and just love me a little bit more..
or treat me a little bit better...
the worse things is they don feel a thing for me..
it true that they don care for mi..
it really true that sometime they might not even notice about me...
i have a hard time at home and i have to face friendship problem in school
so there was once..i used brand new pen knife..
and i created some beautiful fine lines on my hand..
yap hand and not wrist cos i wanted them to know...
the min i saw blood came oozing out my wounds..
im happy..cos i thought yes now i finally got something
to attract their attention..
its about 10 cuts ..not too deep cos im afraid of pain..
(now its only left with 4 light scar due to double cutting...)
after school ...it only took my boyfriend 2 mins to notice my wound..
he is so sad and thats the first time i saw him cry....
but even untill today i don think they even know..
so funny right..
so how can i don love mr li?
why cant you just stay by my side forever?
i feel so safe with you around me...
i love you so much mummy
i love you so much daddy
i love you so much korkor..
i don wan to admit but
i love you too ah er..
but why don you guys love me..
whats the reason..??why don love me..
why must you guys treat me like this?
what have i done.??
why??
but happiness only last one day for mi ...
but i am not happy today not happy now..
i really cant face this house now..
but where can i go...?
i wanted to get out but there is no where else for me..
i cant go your house i cant go anywhere...
even if i get out does that make any different?
does that change anything?
sometimes i don know what s the reason
that i am still kind of scared of ** mother..
whats the reason that im still saying in this house that don need mi at all..
no one cares about mi
no ones feels for mi
no ones listen to wad i say
no ones bother to know anything about mi..
maybe the powerful word "money"
is the only reason...
i feel so lonely so sad..
sometimes i cant even breath properly...
i cry in the middle of the night..
i love them so much but why?
why don they love me too?
so many years passed...even thought i know its
impossible but i still hope that someday they will realise
what i am going through and love me just a little bit more..
but i just get so dissapointed....
you know its so funny..
don know since when ..think in primary school..
i have been coming up with lies ..things that never happen
just because i wanted to talk and chat with them so badly...
so i come up with all lies ...all sort of topics that i can think of..
just for the few mins of talking...
but is don last long...
soon i get replies like "if you have nothing else to talk then don talk"
or
"i don wan to listen to all your stupid things...go go go don bother me"
or something sweet and short
"i don have time" ....(then walk away)
...soon i have the habit of talking to myself...
its so sad..even thought i know that all this
had already turn facts..
but i always cry when i think of them..
why cant they just treat me like a real daughter..a real sister
and just love me a little bit more..
or treat me a little bit better...
the worse things is they don feel a thing for me..
it true that they don care for mi..
it really true that sometime they might not even notice about me...
i have a hard time at home and i have to face friendship problem in school
so there was once..i used brand new pen knife..
and i created some beautiful fine lines on my hand..
yap hand and not wrist cos i wanted them to know...
the min i saw blood came oozing out my wounds..
im happy..cos i thought yes now i finally got something
to attract their attention..
its about 10 cuts ..not too deep cos im afraid of pain..
(now its only left with 4 light scar due to double cutting...)
after school ...it only took my boyfriend 2 mins to notice my wound..
he is so sad and thats the first time i saw him cry....
but even untill today i don think they even know..
so funny right..
so how can i don love mr li?
why cant you just stay by my side forever?
i feel so safe with you around me...
i love you so much mummy
i love you so much daddy
i love you so much korkor..
i don wan to admit but
i love you too ah er..
but why don you guys love me..
whats the reason..??why don love me..
why must you guys treat me like this?
what have i done.??
why??
9:51 AM
